


lord knows i've tried (can't get her off my mind)

by whensheflies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, American AU, Bisexual Harry Styles, Blasphemy, Catholic School, Crushes, F/F, Fluff, Genderswap, Girl Direction, Light-Hearted, Masturbation, Mirror Sex, Mutual Pining, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Secret Crush, harry and louis are both seniors, i guess??, niall is the real hero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24220789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whensheflies/pseuds/whensheflies
Summary: “Hi, it’s Louise? Louise Tomlinson...from school. Harriet, you there?” she asks softly.Even through her meltdown, Harriet almost shivers at the sound of her name on Louise’s lips.No. She cannot be thinking about Louise’s lips right now. Get it together, Styles.a catholic school girl direction au.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 34
Kudos: 129
Collections: WANKFEST 2020





	lord knows i've tried (can't get her off my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, i know it was veronica who wiped the face of jesus...but this is fic and i say artistic license!
> 
> title lyrics from the song Girlcrush.
> 
> For all my pals who didn’t know...until they did. <3

***

Harriet’s ringtone cuts into her Ariana Grande playlist as she pedals her bike off campus. The sun is too bright for her to check her iphone where it rests in the wicker basket attached to the front of her handlebars. She taps one of her airpods to answer the call. It could only be one person anyway. She’d heard her best friend calling after her as she’d shouldered her backpack and ducked out of the school’s auditorium. She’d pointedly ignored her, too.

She nudges her sunglasses up her nose, annoyed by the light sheen of sweat that already clings to her skin. It’s hot today. Far too hot to have biked to school.

“Hello?” she says as her pink beach cruiser takes her further away from St. Gertrude’s. 

It’s Friday, thank God and pardon the pun. She desperately needs two days away from school and the stress of spearheading direction for the senior Lenten drama. Especially when her lead actress Veronica Malik failed her AP Calculus test resulting in her parents pulling her from extracurriculars altogether, leaving Harriet to fill in as Mary, mother of God. Harriet knows herself and she works well under pressure. None of this would usually faze her. No, the reason she had to flee her own rehearsal was of her own doing. It was her brilliant idea (read: stupid, stupid, _stupid_ idea) to cast Louise Tomlinson as Jesus, the star of her Lenten drama. 

To say that Harriet harbored unholy thoughts about Louise Tomlinson would be an understatement. No one should look that good in a crown of thorns, spread against a spray painted brown styrofoam cross, honestly.

“Harry, babe, what the fuck? Everything alright? You ran out of that rehearsal like a bat out of hell!” Niall answers, breaking into Harriet’s stress spiralling. 

“I’m fine, Ni,” Harriet huffs, “Just wanted to get home to get a headstart on my homework.”

“Homework. Right. You do know it’s Friday, H?”

“Teachers still hand out assignments on Friday. Just because you _forget_ about them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.” 

“Technicalities.” Harriet can hear the nonchalant shrug in Niall’s voice. “Besides, I think it’s less about you having homework to do and more about the fact that you looked about five seconds away from boning our lord and savior Jesus Christ in front of the whole drama club and Father Jeff. That’s incest, Harry!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harriet deadpans, though her face feels hot. She’s so glad that Niall isn’t having this conversation with her face to face so that no one can see her ruddy cheeks. Her shame.

“Mmhmm, sure, sure. I bet you loved wiping all that stage blood from Louise’s face, you kinky girl,” Niall cackles.

“Fuck you, Niall Horan, it’s called acting,” Harriet spits. 

She’s right, though. She’d never admit it out loud. Being that close to Louise Tomlinson was enough to make her mouth dry and her hands shake as she’d lifted the cloth to wipe rivulets of fake red blood off of the other girl’s brow. If Harriet had taken her sweet time doing it and admiring the cut of Louise’s cheekbones and delicate eyelashes in the process… well, that was between her and God and no one else. 

If she was going to hell, she might as well drink her fill of the only out lesbian at her all girls Catholic high school while she had the chance. The only out _unattainable_ lesbian at her school. Louise was funny, loud, and the kind of attractive that made Harriet physically ache. Harriet had spent almost all of her high school career thinking she wanted to be just like Louise, striving for the kind of genuine likability that only comes naturally. Harriet, on the other hand, wasn’t afraid to admit that she herself was quite the opposite. She was shy around people she wasn’t close with, awkward even. 

And she wasn’t out. She wasn’t brave like Louise. Hell, she hadn’t even known she was bi until sophomore overnight retreat when she’d stumbled upon Louise changing into pajamas in their shared cabin. Harriet hadn’t been able to pull her eyes away from the plump curves of Louise’s ass as she pulled on a pair of ratty gym shorts. It’d only been when Louise had given her a funny little smile that Harriet had realized she’d been staring. 

She remembers that night vividly. How it had felt like her entire world had tilted on its axis. She couldn’t sleep, her skin had felt hot all over. Like she had a fever that could only be cured if she could touch the places where Louise’s golden tan faded to a milky cream. She didn’t want to be just like Louise Tomlinson, she wanted to know what Louise tasted like. She’d wanted to touch herself too, but didn’t, _couldn’t_ with Louise sleeping on the bunk above her. The quiet sound of Louise’s gentle snores, the socked foot hanging over the edge of the bed, the closeness that still felt insurmountable. It made Harriet throb with want. 

At sixteen, it had been something akin to religious epiphany. Shortly thereafter, she’d dumped her boyfriend, Mitch, determined to lean into this newly discovered facet of herself. It’d taken a bit of mental gymnastics to overcome a lifetime of internalized homophobia due to her Catholic upbringing. But she was of the firm belief that Jesus loved all. Treat people with kindness and all that. She’d immediately come out to her best friend, Niall, as well as her sister and her mom. Her mom had taken it as well as could be expected, with a few tears and a “if you’re happy, then I’m happy, baby.” And then they never really addressed it again. It wasn’t the best, but it was fine. Harriet was fine. 

She’d been painfully pining for Louise Tomlinson ever since. She’d rather live with her secret crush until graduation than die if her feelings couldn’t be reciprocated. How could Louise ever love someone like Harriet? Someone who at eighteen was just learning to love all of herself.

“Acting, Harry please. Let me go get your Oscar for your role in _Portrait of a Lady gagging for Tommo,_ ” Niall says, cracking herself up.

If Harriet wasn’t navigating her bike through traffic, she’d be digging herself a grave to bury herself in. Or searching for kindling to set herself on fire, if she wanted to keep her metaphors straight...er, gay. Whatever. Harriet huffs.

“I do _not_ have a crush on Louise Tomlinson,” she lies.

“Babe, we’ve been over this. It’s fine. Love is love. She’s gay. You’re bi. It’s time for this school to be blessed with some sweet _wuh luh wuh_ action,” Niall says.

“Jesus, you’re embarrassing, Horan. And I’m sorry, but you’re wrong,” Harriet says, sticking to her ever messy bed of lies.

“Right, okay. So, it’s totally cool that I gave your number to Tommo when she asked for it this afternoon after you so rudely ran out of rehearsal?”

Harriet slams on her brakes. “Niall, what the FUCK!” 

Niall merely lets out a hysterical cackle that’ll leave Harriet’s ears ringing for days and then hangs up on her. 

“Fuck! No! What the fuck!” Harry cries as Ariana Grande resumes crooning about God being a woman in her ears.

Too soon, Ari, really.

Her heart beats out of her chest as she starts pedaling again. She contemplates changing course and heading to Niall’s instead of home. She’s almost certain her murder would be justifiable in this situation. 

Her phone rings again almost instantly. She thumps her airpod, positively buzzing with rage, and pedals faster. “I will fucking _murder_ you for this, I swear to god--”

“Whoa, okay, not the greeting I was expecting.” The voice that comes through Harriet’s airpods is a honeyed rasp. The voice does not belong to Niall.

Harriet slams the brakes again and tries not to die. No. Oh god in heaven this could not be happening to her right now. She tears off her sunglasses and buries her face in her hands, muffling her silent scream of mortification. 

“Hi, it’s Louise? Louise Tomlinson...from school. Harriet, you there?” Louise asks softly.

Even through her meltdown, Harriet almost shivers at the sound of her name on Louise’s lips.

No. Fuck. She cannot be thinking about Louise’s lips right now. Get it together, Styles.

“Yeah, that’s me. Harriet. That is my name.” Harriet rolls her eyes and clasps her forehead. This is exactly why she wanted to pine in peace. She really was going to kill her best friend for this. That is, if she herself survives this awkward encounter.

She hears Louise’s gentle laugh and _oh_. It didn’t sound like Louise was laughing _at_ her though. 

“Sorry, yeah, I mean… I thought you were someone else. Didn’t check my caller ID,” Harriet says lamely. 

“No worries. Um...yeah. Hi,” Louise says.

Harriet can’t stop the grin that’s spreading from ear to ear. Why would she kill her best friend for this? Louise Tomlinson was on the phone with her. Louise wanted to talk to _her_! Sure, it was probably something about the lenten drama, but she could live with that. The sound of Louise’s voice directly in her ears would be enough spank bank fodder to keep her satisfied through Easter break.

“Heyyy,” she said, kicking off the ground and pedaling again at a slow pace. She didn’t exactly trust herself to multitask, but she was almost home. “How are you?”

“‘M good. Happy it’s friday. I got your number from Niall, hope that’s ok,” Louise says.

 _It’s more than okay,_ Harriet thinks, _you can have more than just my number._

“Of course. I probably should’ve got yours when we started the Lenten drama. Sorry about the mess with Veronica. I know how hard it is to lose a scene partner. I’m hoping that her parents will let her back in it.”

“Yeah, it sucks about Vero. I feel like I’m partly to blame though. I definitely pushed her to come out to this lame party that weekend instead of studying. It is what it is, though, you know?”

Harriet’s heart tugs with a jealous pull. She didn’t even know Veronica was close with Louise enough to party with her. Even though she knew that Veronica was in a fully committed and frankly sickeningly sweet hetero relationship with Liam Payne from their brother school, Harriet still felt irrational envy. 

“Oh,” Harriet says glumly, “I hope today didn’t throw you off your rhythm...having to deal with a different Mary.” _Having to deal with me,_ she thinks.

Louise laughs softly and Harriet wants to wear her laughter like a second skin. “If I knew you better, I’d think you were fishing for compliments, Styles.”

“No!” Harriet exclaims, embarrassed and turned on in equal measure. _If Louise Tomlinson knew her better._ If only. “I wasn’t. Really.”

“It was fine. You were a great Mary. You were natural onstage...very graceful.”

Harriet snorts in disbelief as she pulls up the driveway to her home, narrowly avoids scraping the side of her mom’s sedan parked there. She nudges the kickstand with her foot and swings off the bike with a slight wobble. “Now I know you’re just pulling my leg. I don’t have a graceful bone in my body.” She shoulders her backpack and skips up the steps to her backdoor. 

Louise chuckles. “I don’t know about that… hail Harry, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.”

And. _Well._

Harriet swears her vision whites out at that, sweaty palm slipping completely off the doorknob. Is Louise… flirting with her? With prayer? It feels like flirting. Harriet is also pretty sure she must’ve crashed her bike somewhere along the way and that this is some kind of gay friendly heaven hallucination that her sex deprived brain has come up with. She turns around and leans back against the door, letting her backpack dig into her spine. She feels overheated and knows it’s not only from the ride home. No, she remembers the fever pitch feeling of being in the same cabin with Louise and this is exactly the same, if not more. This time she has Louise spilling sacreligious words into her ears. She presses a hand to her chest, feels the fierce beat of her heart under the silver crucifix she never takes off. She’s a mess of teenage hormones and _want_.

“Fuck. Sorry. Erm… that was weird. I didn’t mean to be a major creep. It’s just your name rhymes with Mary and--”

Hell no, Harriet thinks. She doesn’t ever want to hear Louise apologizing for anything. Not when the things she’s apologizing for make Harriet want to get on her knees and pray to a different sort of god altogether. 

“Our Father, _Lou_ art in heaven… hallowed be thy name,” Harriet murmurs.

Hallowed be thy name. Louise, Harriet thinks, _Louise._

She hears a rustling and a sharp exhale on the line that Harriet tries (and fails) not to read into. If Louise thought herself a major creep, then Harriet was one right along with her. 

“See? Like I said...graceful. And quick-witted. How come I’ve never seen this side of you at school?” Louise says with a laugh that sounds like how sunshine feels. 

“No one calls me Harry but my family and Niall.” Harriet says for lack of an answer.

“Oh...I--”

“No, Louise, I… I like it when you call me that.”

“Alright, then I insist you call me Tommo. It’s what all my friends call me anyway.”

“Is that what you’d like me to be?” The words are out of Harriet’s mouth before she even thinks it through. She buries her face in her hands, holds her breath. She hears Louise take a measured breath. 

“Lou, then.” Louise says, an unspoken answer to a question unasked.

“Lou and Harry,” Harriett murmurs. If she’s taking the leap, she might as well go straight into the deep end. She’s rewarded with a giggle from Louise.

“Quite like the sound of that. Nice ring to it,” Louise says. 

Harriet tries not to moan. She shouldn’t be getting off on such basic flirting. But this is Louise Tomlinson. There’s never been anything basic about her attraction to Louise. She squeezes her legs together to ease the tension just a touch, but all it does is bring attention to the fact that she’s more turned on than she’s ever been. All thanks to Louise’s sweet voice in her ears.

“At least take me out for coffee before you pair us off,” Harriet says boldly.

Louise laughs again, but it’s good natured. Harriet can’t believe that she can already translate Lou’s different laughs.

“About that,” Louise says, “I was actually calling to ask if you’d like to come to a party? Tomorrow night at my place? My mom is taking my siblings to a soccer tournament and I told her I’d house sit. It’s just going to be a chill little thing. Niall’s coming. I’d really like it if you’d come, too.”

“Yes,” Harriet breathes as Louise finishes speaking, “Yeah. I’d love to come.”

Louise hums at Harry’s response. “Great! I’ll text you my address later.”

“I can’t wait. And you can… yeah… you can text me anytime.”

“Alright. I’ll let you go. Talk to you later, Harry.”

Harriet can’t stop grinning and knows the sound of Louise’s voice enough to know that she’s smiling as well. “See you tomorrow, Lou.”

“I’m really looking forward to it. Okay… bye Harry.”

“Bye Lou,” Harriet says and the line goes out.

Harriet spins on her heel and smashes her key in the lock. When she gets the door open, she steps inside and toes off her mary janes. She zips through the kitchen, pressing a quick kiss hello to her mom’s cheek before begging off to study. Right. The throbbing low, low in her belly begs to call her out on the blatant lie. She hears her mom call after her to be ready for dinner by six thirty, but she’s already halfway up the stairs. She’ll blame her lack of response on her airpods, not the urgent mind numbing need to come.

She makes it to her room with a sigh, dropping her backpack on the floor by the door. She clicks the lock with one hand, while the other quickly unbuttons her starched white uniform blouse. The blouse flutters to the ground while she makes quick work of sliding her underwear down her legs, leaving her in just her bra and uniform skirt. She catches a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror on the back of her door. She looks a little disheveled, her curls all over the place from her bike ride. There’s a delicate pink shading her cheeks and chest that glow against the paleness of her skin. 

She imagines seeing herself through Lou’s eyes. Tries to picture it without the gaze of self doubt and insecurity. Tracing a shaky line down the side of her neck, across her collarbones, over the gentle swell of her breasts, it’s not that difficult to let her mind wander. When her fingers slip over the sharp peak of one of her nipples, she lets out a hiss, eyes slipping closed at the sensation. She does it again, firmer this time, and the feeling goes directly to her clit.

“Fuck,” she swears under her breath. 

It usually takes a lot more to turn herself on, but with Lou’s sweet raspy voice still fresh in her memory she isn’t sure that she’s going to be able to make this last. 

She slides her hand lower, over her belly and the pleats of her skirt, dipping underneath the hem to feel the molten heat between her thighs. Her fingers slip easily at the slick she finds. She’s so wet already.

_Harry, full of grace._

_Lou and Harry… quite like the sound of that._

_Harry, full of grace… Harry_

“ _Fuck,_ ” she says again, stepping her legs a little farther apart. She wastes no time, pushing two fingers deep inside herself. She braces herself against the mirror with her free hand, moaning soundlessly at the obscene squelching noise she makes as she pumps her fingers mercilessly. Her panting breath fogs the mirror, so she closes her eyes. 

Imagines it’s Lou’s fingers inside her. 

Her legs feel weak at the thought of it, toes curling inwards. She turns so she’s leaning with her back against the door. With her other hand free, she pushes it under her skirt, desperate to come. Desperate to come from Lou’s imaginary touch. She rolls her fingers over her clit once, twice, three times before her entire body seizes up. Her cunt clenching hard around her fingers in an orgasm that seems to last forever. Harriet’s vision whites out in a pleasure so pure that she swears she can see God or Jesus or Lou. Maybe they’re all the same person anyway. 

Harriet giggles deliriously at the thought, chest heaving as she comes down. She slides to the floor as she pulls her hands free, legs too shaky to hold her up any longer. Admiring the sticky wetness all over her hands, she lets her mind wonder what it would feel like to have her fingers covered in Lou’s come instead of her own. She feels herself throb weakly at the thought. She’d have to revisit that delicious fantasy another time, when she didn’t feel so incredibly fucked out from one quick, but intense orgasm. 

She smiles to herself as she wipes her fingers on the folds of her skirt, before reaching over to her backpack to grab her phone. Pulling up her message thread with Niall, she bites her lip thoughtfully.

**H: ok, one, i hate you  
H: and two, i need your help.**

**_Nialler: lies! u love me. how may i be of service?_ **

**H: i need louise to fall in love with me**

Harriet watches Niall’s three little dots start and stop several times before her next text comes in.

**_Nialler: she called ya then? go on, tommo!_ **

**H: i can’t blow my shot at this party, ni. you gotta help me. i don’t know how to talk to girls!!**

**_Nialler: harriet darling, this whole party is just an excuse for Lou to see you outside of school. anyone with two eyes can see that she’s got it bad for u._ **

**H: asfkalkadgg. NIALL I HAVE TWO EYES. I CANNOT SEE IT.**

**_Nialler: -- _-- H, perhaps u’ve been blinded by your own crush and missed it?_ **

Harriet pauses. Could she have missed it? Could she have wasted precious time with her stupid, foolish pining? There was only one way to find out. And with a little luck, she might have answers in a day. The thought of it makes her whole body feel fizzy. By this time tomorrow, she could be in Lou’s home. Talking to her face to face, laughing with her. Kissing her. Harriet closes her eyes to the thought. God, she’s so gone for this girl already. She sends a silent prayer to the heavens, the heavens that smile upon a silly bi girl with her first real crush on a woman, that Niall isn’t wrong and that Louise is just as besotted as she is.

**H: will you be my wingwoman tomorrow night then?**

**_Nialler: babe, you so dont need my help. you’ve got this in the bag. promise.  
Nialler: but of course i will. gotta make sure u don’t get wine wasted before you make out with tommo lol_ **

**H: *heart eyes emoji* love you ni!!!**

Harriet hears her mom call for her that dinner is ready. She smiles to herself, a smile full of hope and untapped potential. Of possibility for a real reciprocal love. With Louise Tomlinson. She tosses her phone onto her bed and she goes in search of a change of clothes, her stomach grumbling appreciatively.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this fictional nonsense, please validate me with love in the form of kudos and comments. Thanks for reading!
> 
> rebloggable fic post [here](https://choface.tumblr.com/post/619375220134903808/lord-knows-ive-tried-cant-get-her-off-my-mind) on tumblr. come say hi! :)
> 
> Spotify playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2JRsOXuIxbBIojdZTzfJJ5?si=6pCvj7OvTBuqecHkXvuNVQ).


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